Every marriage is different, and so is every divorce. What leads to divorce in one couple might not in another. So you might be surprised to hear that someone claims they can predict whether a marriage will last with an average certainty of 94%.
John and Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, first made this claim in 1992, since when their organization has been working to further understand key indicators of divorce. They say that watching how a couple handles an ongoing conflict for just three minutes is all it takes for them to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to the marriage’s chances of survival.
Here are some of the key indicators they found that indicate a marriage may not survive:
Conversations start harshly
Do you and your partner gently and respectfully start a conversation about a problem? Or do you tend to initiate it with criticism or sarcasm? Critical, angry approaches to conversations are a bad sign.
Failed attempts to de-escalate
There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with your spouse, but you need to know when it’s time to bring the temperature back down if things get heated. The Gottmans found that when attempts to de-escalate failed, it was a very bad sign indeed.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling
The Gottmans refer to these four things as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of how devastating they are. It is impossible to have constructive conversations about issues when one or both of you jump to criticizing each other, show contempt for each other, get defensive or just blank the other person entirely when they try to tell you something you do not want to hear.
If you reflect on your own marriage and notice that many of these indicators are present in your discussions, then maybe it is time you find out more about divorce.